SEX TALK: Kinky and Queer 

Are you a millennial who had a home internet connection in the 2000s? If so, you’ve surely heard of Rule 34. For the uninitiated, Rule 34 promises that “there is porn of it. No exceptions.” It was originally accompanied by a comic in which the writer as an adolescent wears a look of alarm as he stumbles across Calvin and Hobbes themed smut. 

The idea is that if an idea exists, someone has made erotic content about it. And as someone who has been an internet user since my teen years, I have yet to find an instance in which this is not true. I have seen some strange and surprising content in searches for topics I thought were benign. (Seriously. Even Sonic the Hedgehog.)

If anything demonstrates the scope of human creativity and ingenuity, it’s how we get off. Modern pornography illustrates a diversity of sexual behaviors (though in a dramatized, heavily scripted way). While it can be entertaining, porn is not a direct mirror to people’s real sex lives. So what are people really doing behind closed doors?

Turns out, most people are not having missionary-only sex in the marital bed with the lights out. In fact, a Canadian study found that almost 85 percent of adults surveyed had kinky fantasies! In this University of Quebec study, kink behaviors were classified as typical, common, unusual, or rare. Turns out, even fetishes categorized as “unusual” and “rare” were reported by nearly 20 percent of participants.

A small body of research suggests that people in the LGBTQ+ community are more likely to play with kink than the general population. This should come as no surprise, given how intertwined the modern LGBTQ+ liberation movement has been with the kink community. There are a lot of theories as to why, but one in particular stands out.

Consider the kinds of (non-kinky) sex that queer folks have. LGBTQ+ couples often do not have the combination of parts needed for penetrative vaginal sex, so that’s off the table. They are already regularly having sex that isn’t within the cultural narrative or standard. Indeed, to the broader cultural landscape, many queer sex acts are already thought of as kinky. So, if they’re already doing it unconventionally, they’re likely more amenable to sexual creativity, since they’re navigating waters that have been left uncharted by the mainstream. Kink becomes a way to fully explore queer sexuality, for which they never received a script in the first place. 

People who engage in kink report that they find it empowering and freeing. Unbound from the cultural constrictions of heterocentric sex norms, they are empowered to build their own sexual interactions from the ground up. They become sexual explorers. Ingenuity has been a foundation of queer sexuality since queer folks have existed—which is to say, forever.

That said, it’s important to note that kink play, too, must be preceded by research, education, and discussion. Just like conventional sex, there are risks in kink play. The lack of an established social script is a boon for creativity but also means that health and safety information is harder to come across. You’re not going to find it in high school sex ed classes; that’s for sure. 

Luckily, there are resources available. You just have to ask around. A quick internet search will help you find your local kink community (or the one in your nearest city). Populated areas often have queer-specific groups. Even if you can only access online spaces due to distance, people are generally willing to share educational resources to get you started.

Just as there’s no reason to be ashamed of queerness, there’s no need to be embarrassed of having kinky interests, provided that you keep your sexual interactions consensual and in the appropriate venues. The LGBTQ+ rights movement is, in large part, about freedom of sexual expression. It’s normal and healthy to explore yours, whether it’s “vanilla” or kinky. 

—Kimberly Adamski