SEX TALK: Breaking Up is Hard to Do

SEX TALK: Breaking Up is Hard to Do

There’s no getting around it—breakups can be tough. Few people start a romantic relationship with the goal of breaking up later! But as they say, every relationship ends until one doesn’t. With that perspective, each relationship a person has can function as a learning experience. It is a way to evaluate what works for you and what doesn’t, hopefully leading to a better romantic fit the next time.

Breakups themselves also help us learn. Think about your first relationship’s end. Maybe you were a teenager. Chances are you and your ex-partner exhibited some pretty unhealthy behaviors! Yelling, meanness, and rumor spreading are par for the course. (If this wasn’t you, congrats on your high levels of teen maturity. You certainly did better than I did.) 

Now, think of your most recent relationship. More than likely, you managed to keep it a little more grown-up than back in your teens or early twenties. That’s because you gained a better sense of empathy and respect for your fellow human and probably figured out that unhealthy breakup behaviors are way more stressful for everyone involved.

Before I start talking about guidelines for healthy breakups, I want to preface it by addressing abusive relationships. If you are ending a relationship because your partner is physically, sexually, or emotionally abusing you, these suggestions may not apply. I recommend putting your safety first, even if that means leaving in the middle of the night and ghosting the person. You should also consider seeking professional or even legal support when leaving an abusive relationship.

In most cases, however, breakups happen because the people involved are simply not a good romantic fit for one another. This can happen early in the relationship, as the honeymoon period ends, or much later, as you discover your needs are different than they were years ago. Either way, ending the relationship respectfully will help you both move on and grow from the experience.

Looking at it statistically, there’s a 50 percent chance you’re the one who initiated the breakup. When this is the case, make a plan to open the conversation. Avoid bringing it up in a fit of anger. Choose a time when neither of you is preoccupied with something else. (And please, do not do it on a long car ride. You don’t want to be stuck in a closed space together for hours after!) Avoid accusations, even if you truly feel like the reason for the breakup is their fault. Statements that start with “I” are best. They’ll be less likely to elicit a defensive or combative response.

The person being broken up with will likely feel hurt, but don’t make them feel worse than you must. Being unnecessarily mean is just disrespectful. You cannot control their actions, and it’s possible they’ll get nasty. If that’s the case, state your boundaries. For example, “I am going to leave the room if you keep shouting” sets a reasonable boundary with clear consequences. Make sure you follow through, if needed.

Afterwards, it is incredibly important to allow your now-ex some space. Whether you initiated the breakup, or they ended the relationship, blowing up their DM’s or calling them constantly is not healthy for either of you. Before interacting again, you both need space to process your feelings. While I can’t give you a shortcut to getting rid of the pain, know that it will eventually fade, and you may even be able to be friends in time. 

Finally, do not attempt to socially isolate them. Have you been approached by a friend’s ex before, telling you about all their horrible misdeeds and shortcomings? It was probably a pretty bad look for the ex, right? If you do this, not only will you look like a huge jerk, but if you do succeed in turning their friends against them, your ex-partner will lack the social support they need to move past your former relationship. This is particularly important in queer communities, since they tend to be relatively small. It’s best to vent your seething complaints to your own close friends. You may feel resentful for a time, and that’s okay; it’s all about how you manage those feelings. If you are truly unable to contain your vengeful impulses, it may be time to seek the help of a therapist.

If your ex is the one trying to retaliate, it may be hard to stay level-headed. Again, this is where social support comes in handy. Turn to your loved ones to talk about how you’re feeling and even, yes, to sound off about everything that’s wrong with the ex-partner. 

Another option is to write a letter that you will never send. Writing has helped me personally on many occasions.

In the moment, it may feel almost impossible to keep your cool and remain respectful during a breakup. Take a deep breath or even a break from the conversation if you feel it getting heated. Ending a relationship is stressful for everyone; keeping your behavior respectful will help with healing and moving on for both of you. 

—Kimberly Adamski