Healthy, Happy, and Non-monogamous

Healthy, Happy, and Non-monogamous

By Kim Adamski

Consensual multiple-partner arrangements— a relationship style often referred to as “consensual nonmonogamy” or CNM— are becoming increasingly common. One in five Americans report having engaged in CNM at some point in their lives, and that number is even higher for people in the LGBTQ+ community. 

“We are seeing a lot more people reaching out for therapy to help navigate non-monogamy and polyamory,” says Kristen Dew, LMFT-S, CST, owner of Growth Therapy in Connecticut. Her work focuses on what some might call alternative sexual practices, like CNM and kink. “People seem really drawn to it because it is nuanced and allows for connections to develop in different ways.”

She’s right. There are many ways to structure a relationship within the CNM umbrella. One of the most widely known labels is polyamory. In simple terms, this means having multiple romantic or sexual relationships at one time. In a polyamorous arrangement, everyone is aware of each other’s relationships and may even interact with their “metamours” (the partner of your partner).

Other people may choose a don’t-ask-don’t-tell model, a closed multi-person relationship (such as a throuple), a hierarchical relationship structure, or a diversity of other options. The thing that each of these has in common is that the arrangement is pre-discussed and consented to by all parties and is responsive to the changing needs of the people involved. This is what separates CNM from cheating, defined as having outside sexual relationships without your partner’s knowledge. Unlike cheating, CNM requires the knowledge and approval of all involved, and usually comes with a set of negotiated rules that satisfies each individuals’ needs and desires.

However, consensual nonmonogamy is no panacea. People practicing CNM experience relationship issues, just like those in more traditional relationships. In terms of physical health, people with multiple partners are at higher risk of STI and HIV infection. This is because the more sexual partners you have, the more chances you have to be exposed to an STI. There are, of course, ways to limit this risk. The simplest is to use condoms consistently. Condoms are cheap, easy to get, and effective in preventing STI’s and HIV. PrEP, or pre-exposure prophylaxis, is another useful precaution. It is more than 99 percent effective in preventing HIV transmission, but keep in mind that it does not prevent other STI’s. Internal condoms, dental dams, and lower-risk sexual activities are all valid ways to reduce one’s risk of infection, too.

Individuals with multiple partners should consider getting tested regularly for STI’s and HIV. If one person in a non-monogamous relationship tests positive for an STI, or is exposed to one, everyone else in the arrangement should get tested, as well.

Now that I’ve covered physical health, I’d like to explore the aspects of CNM that can affect mental wellness. As with any relationship, communication is one of the biggest predictors of relationship health. However, in CNM, communication can be much more complicated, since there are more people. We need to consider person A’s relationship with person B, and at the same time, we also have to think about B’s relationship with C. There are A’s thoughts on B’s relationship with C and D’s relationship with A…you get the idea. Regular, clear discussion of feelings, concerns, and boundaries take on extra importance. “It’s easy to avoid sensitive topics of conversation until it reaches a breaking point,” says Kristen Dew. She recommends thinking about and processing your feelings before talking. “Proactive communication and expressing feelings directly work best, even if it’s scary to have the hard conversations.” 

Jealousy is a very normal emotion to feel. Within the CNM community, it may be construed as a moral failing, but that is simply untrue. Feeling jealous is a natural part of life. It doesn’t necessarily mean that CNM is wrong for you. Rather than bottling up these feelings, discuss them with your partners. You may just need reassurance, or you may need to renegotiate the terms of your relationship. Either way, communication is key. 

At the same time, consensual nonmonogamy is not for everyone. Individual needs vary and some people prefer to have just one intimate relationship at a time. Maybe they don’t have the time to dedicate to multiple relationships or aren’t interested in the complexities of multi-partner communication. It’s important to be honest with yourself about what type of relationship structure is healthiest for you. “Our society assumes that monogamy is the standard or ‘normal’ way to engage in sexual or romantic relationships,” says Dew. One relationship structure is not inherently better than the other! It’s vital that you build a relationship that meets your unique needs and expectations.

Communicative non-monogamous relationships that consider the needs of everyone participating can be healthy and satisfying, just like monogamous ones. While societal norms and more complex communication patterns can add extra layers to these arrangements, they are not insurmountable! My number one rule when it comes to relationships is regularly talking about wants and needs, and this rule is applicable in CNM. If you’re considering a consensually non-monogamous relationship, remember to be safe, create healthy boundaries, and have fun!