Once Upon A Château

A fractured fairy tale, marginally based on a true story.

After years of living a Cinderella existence, a spinster with ambitions meets the man of her dreams — an oil prospector from Dallas, Texas. She had a face that could stop a clock and dollar signs in her eyes. He had a wooden eye and not much more than a dollar and a dream. She was an airhead. He was half a bubble off plumb. She had grand pretensions. He had none. Clearly the perfect match, they married.

After a few long years of waiting, her husband finally hit a monster reserve of black gold. They now had more money than God and wifey didn’t waste any time in spending it! During an extensive tour of Europe with a visit to the Loire Valley, she had seen a grand château and decided she just had to have one like it for herself.

So in fact, that is exactly what she set out to accomplish. A replica would be built for her and her husband in Dallas. It was to be a monument unto themselves. An enormous crew of architects and artisans were assembled to realize her vision. As the home itself was being built, she embarked on one of the most extravagant shopping sprees, as only the nouveau riche can do.

Armed with her instant pedigree papers in hand, she took along a staff of inferior desecrators and purchased some of the most sought-after antiques. At the completion of her palatial new home, the furniture and paintings were all carefully placed by the design crew. The château was looking lovely and it was time to show it off to Dallas society with a grand soirée! But before that was to be, she needed to be properly educated about each and every object in her new home. In that way, she could appear to be more of a connoisseur of antiques and fine furnishings than she actually was.

So an arduous education process ensued by the design staff. And when it finally came to an end several days later, she was asked if there was anything else she wanted to know about. Briefly, she paused to give it some thought, then queried, “Well actually…yes… I do have just one question…..the Louis XIV settee in the front room….don’t you think we need something larger there? Like a Louis XVIII or XIX?

As the French say, Mon Dieu, elle est bête comme ses pieds!*