Creating Satisfying Relationships with Boundaries

Creating Satisfying Relationships with Boundaries

We all have boundaries, and we use them daily. When you turn your work phone off during certain times of day, you are reinforcing work boundaries. You may ask the kids not to eat something messy in the car—also a boundary. It goes the other way, too. Maybe one of your friends doesn’t like being hugged, and you respect that boundary so they will feel safe and comfortable around you.

In my sex ed classes, when I ask what a boundary is, the answer I most often get is, “things you don’t want to do.” This is part of it, but I prefer to think of boundaries as a relationship framework. They are a map you create for another person. With the guidance of this map, others learn how to interact with you in a way that is comfortable and safe. In a healthy relationship of any kind—not just romantic—both parties have shared their “maps” with one another so that they can work together well.

There are two types of boundaries: hard and soft. A hard “no” would be something you absolutely do not, under any circumstances, want to do. A hard “yes,” on the flip side, is something that HAS to be present for you to feel comfortable.

Soft boundaries, however, are situational and depend on context. For example: say you’re not interested in having a brand new partner sleep over. As you get to know them more and feel a sense of safety with them, that boundary could change, and you may start feeling comfortable having them stay the night. Soft boundaries can also be dependent on location, mood, time of day, or any number of contextual factors.
How do we find out what our boundaries are? Well, a lot of it is just the “vibe.” If a partner asks, “do you want to try anal sex?” and it doesn’t feel like a good idea to you—for whatever reason—you’ll likely say “no,” forming a boundary. Other times, it can be a trial-and-error situation. You or your partner might be really excited to try something new and afterward find that one or both of you didn’t like it all that much after all. Ta-da—new boundary found! Finding out you don’t like something doesn’t have to be a negative. Every time you discover a boundary, you learn something new about your relationship. You can use that information to strengthen the relationship moving forward.

Given that human communication is imperfect, it’s possible—likely even—that you will violate a boundary in some way. Maybe the way it was explained to you was unclear. Maybe the person didn’t even realize it was a boundary until they were upset by it. What do you do when this happens? Well, first and foremost, an apology is warranted, even if the harm was unintentional. Then, ask what they need. Do they want to snuggle? Do they need time alone?

Make sure that at some point before you have sex with them again, you talk about what happened and how you can prevent it from recurring. Treat it as a learning experience. Even if it is emotionally painful, it’s also an opportunity to move toward a more comfortable and satisfying relationship for all involved.
Boundaries are often characterized as unchanging, but that’s not always true, either. You may find that a boundary you had with a previous partner, or earlier in a relationship, may no longer suit you. As an example, say you have been with a partner for five years. In the beginning, you established that you NEVER wanted to engage in bondage play (a kink activity involving restraints). However, in the years since, you have learned more about the many types of bondage, and some of it has begun to appeal to you. You have also built a trusting relationship where you feel confident your partner will be conscientious and not harm you. Look at that! Your boundary has changed, and that’s okay! Just remember, you’ll still need to re-establish boundaries around bondage play, like what activities are and aren’t okay for both of you and what safety protocols you plan to use.

All sexual relationships require an ongoing discussion of boundaries. Knowing your boundaries will be respected, and respecting your partner’s, creates a space where both of you can feel at ease and be yourselves, without fear of harm or unnecessary discomfort. They allow you to enjoy each other’s presence fully and have satisfying, stress-free sexual encounters. Next time you have a talk about boundaries with your partner, try framing it as a way to care for each other, rather than a wall you are building between the two of you. You might find it’s a much more positive, affirming experience.

—Kimberly Adamski