BY CHION WOLF
I did not know that I would be doing a two-part series on dom/sub BDSM relationships until a friend of mine invited me to a medically-themed kink party in her dungeon.
As one does.
“I’m a dominatrix,” she texted. “We have great parties in our dungeon.”
The first time I ever had dinner at her house, we hadn’t known each other long. She was cool, her wife was cool.
I was cool, but not yet cool enough to be told that while we were enjoying a gourmet plate of Coq au Vin with a perfectly-paired glass of pinot noir, there was a dungeon, complete with whips, ropes, an OB/GYN table⸺stirrups at the ready⸺and very moppable floors.
I get it. When you’re part of a sexual subculture, you’ve gotta be careful about who knows what.
Her followup text read: “So if any of that is at least intellectually (if not personally) interesting to you, I’d love to invite you over when we have another party.”
My heart began to race! I was very curious! If not personally, then certainly I was into the idea as the host of a public radio show called “Audacious”. We could do an episode on dominants and we could do another episode about submissives! I had a thousand questions already! As one does.
I was a little worried, though. What would our public radio audience think about all this? Would we get angry emails? Would people cancel their membership?
Sure, we’ve talked with people who’ve gotten married to Gods and spirits, folks who have polyamorous relationships with hyper-realistic-looking synthetic humanoids (they kindly ask that you not call them “sex dolls”)… And there was Amanda Liberty, who took the last name of the Statue of Liberty with whom she fell in love (she later moved on to a new relationship with a chandelier named Lumiere).
Those conversations aired. I held my breath, and we received… No angry emails or cancellation calls to our membership department! I even got a few emails from folks who experienced similar attractions and interests.
So what exactly was I worried about? I began to wonder if some of them were part of the kink community already.
There’s that word again, “kink”.
We’ve gotta talk about that word.
Webster’s Sixth definition says that a kink is an “unconventional sexual taste or behavior”
Okay, define “unconventional”: “Not based on or conforming to what is generally done or believed.”
Here’s the thing, though:
After interviewing four dominants (some of whom refer to themselves as “masters”) and four submissives (some of whom refer to themselves as “slaves”), I couldn’t shake the feeling that kink? Isn’t all that… kinky.
Stick with me, here.
The way we talk about sex is wonky. We don’t talk about it enough, we talk about it too much. This sexual position is acceptable, that one is shameful. What’s that? Undressing someone, tying them up and leaving them there for long periods of time can be an act of love? Commence with the pearl-clutching. As one does.
It seems like if we don’t understand it, then it must be “wrong”. But that dynamic is a huge part of what Audacious loves to explore!
If sex is a part of your life, wouldn’t it be enhanced by creativity, communication, trust, and play? Those are all components of kink. And if we could be more creative in our sex lives, then wouldn’t we all be a little bit kinky?
And if everybody’s a little bit kinky, then maybe “kink” as we understand it to be “unconventional” would become, well, conventional?
In one of the episodes, I mentioned that a friend of mine called kink, “Gourmet sex.” I love that! So while yes, I absolutely would enjoy some chicken nuggets soaked in cheap cabernet topped with bacon bits (mm, bacon bits), thanks to my dominant friend, I now also see how delectable that meticulously-crafted Coq au vin was to experience. And now I ponder the ways I can turn my Spaghetti-O’s into Tagliatelle al Ragù alla Bolognese, topped with a generous heap of Parmigiano Reggiano.
The dominant and submissive shows aired, I held my breath and… Got a ton of emails from people saying how excited they were to hear this on public radio!
I even heard from a few friends who said they hadn’t told anybody, but… They love being tied up! Another one said that they love spanking! And another friend told me that they love pretending they’re an alien that has come to destroy Earth while their partner plays the role of the human who will save the world by exhausting the alien with exhilarating and imaginative sex acts.
As one does.