Connecticut Voice

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Is There Life On Mars?

To date, the greater scientific community believes that no proof has been found of past or present life on Mars. Cumulative evidence shows that during the ancient Noachian time period, the surface environment of Mars had liquid water and may have been habitable for microrganisms. However, a recently discovered underground group of gay researchers have taken things in a different direction altogether. Natch. This ‘Team Queen’ is being led by none other than David Levy. The Team’s theories are based on a David Bowie song from the 1970’s, entitled, ‘Is there life on Mars?’ Since its release, the lyrics have captivated some of the most twisted yet brilliant queer minds from around the globe. Seen as an elaborate riddle, it’s believed that Bowie’s puzzling lyrics, once completely deciphered, will give us the real answers to questions about life on Mars. More broadly, Bowie’s enigmatic lyrics may in fact yield important scientific facts about the origins of life in the universe. (Do remember please that anything is possible in the loftier scientific realms of high faggotry.)

Likened to a Salvador Dali painting, these queer cosmologists as well as cryptologists have begun to unravel Bowie’s mystifying lyrics. After much research and comparing of notes, some important breakthroughs have been made. These crazy boys have come to believe that the surface of Mars is apparently covered in primordial fine, dry particles of Martian soil. They named it appropriately and affectionately — Ziggy Stardust — after the song’s
protagonist. This poofy powder is what gives Mars its historically red hue. Although, a scratch-your-eyes-out debate still rages on as to its true color. Currently, it’s been narrowed down to be somewhere between a pretty shade of cranberry and chili pepper red. We’ll keep you posted.

In addition, the powder is said to be one of the basic elements of all glam rocks and proto-punk mineraloid matter — scattered across the planet’s surface. Through spontaneous generation it’s believed that, what we’ve come to know as, ‘rock stars’ evolved. Their rise and fall was inevitable however; there being a dearth of agents on the red planet to properly feed and nourish their bloated diva egos. Who knows what greatness may have been lost?. Tsk, tsk, agents.

Assigning numbers to each letter of the song’s lyrics, cryptologists also discovered a pattern of what appears to be blueprints for an unusually flamboyant rocket and rover. It is to be bedecked with rhinestones and streamers and fit for a drag queen. Can you say RuPaul? Once properly built and sent off into space, the boys hope that the rover will not only discover signs of life – but signs of intelligent life. If it does, it will take copious samples and immediately beam them back to Earth. Then they will be hurriedly implanted into the brains of those in the United States Congress and White House.

Will it make a difference? We can only hope.