For these families, holidays focus on family, food, and traditions
By Jane Latus
Ho, ho, ho and snow. Synagogue and solstice. Song and games. Families and feasts. Itās a wonderful ā and diverse ā life, and we asked these Connecticut folks to tell us about their favorite winter holidays and how they spend them.
Heather and Michelle Sharp
Somers
āWeāre a Christmas family,ā says Heather Sharp, smiling at her wife Michelle, while they take advantage of their 3-year-old twinsā naptime to talk via Zoom.
Daughter Jordan and son Jacob remember back when they were two, seeing Santa and Mrs. Claus on the Essex Steam Trainās Polar Express, and sledding out to cut a fresh tree. āThe sled, the snow, the hot chocolate ā I love the vibe,ā says Michelle.
Except for one parent who lives in the state of Washington, both their families live nearby and are close in every way. Christmas Eves are spent with Michelleās family, and Christmas Day with Heatherās.
āChristmas means family, and having time for each other. We put the phones away, and play board games like Pictionary. We jokingly call it FFF ā Forced Family Fun. We laugh so much on those two days,ā says Heather.
Heather is a high school math teacher and Michelle is a property manager for an apartment building. Last year was the first time the couple, who married in 2015, hosted Thanksgiving. āI always looked forward to hosting a big holiday,ā says Michelle. That wonāt happen this year, and they may not be able to get together with everyone for Christmas unless there are days warm enough to get together outside, bundled up.
However, at the very least, Heatherās mother ā who watches the twins twice a week while their moms work ā will still come over for their very important day of cookie baking. āHeatherās mom and nieces come over, and we order pizza and the kids decorate cookies and the adults drink wine,ā says Michelle. The mess ā sprinkles all over ā is part of the fun.
Decorating their tree is a big deal to the couple. They collect ornaments when they travel, and collect personalized ones for each other and their kids. āOur tree is just one massive pile of memories,ā Heather says. āWe kind of fall in love againā every time they decorate it, Michelle adds.
Heather says the other best part of Christmas now as parents is āthe priceless looks on their facesā as their children wonder how those toys suddenly appeared in their house. āItās magical.ā
Curtis and Luis Rodriguez-Porter
Hartford
Forget the pandemic; this Christmas is shaping up to be the best ever for this couple. They will be newly wedded, with newly hyphenated last names, and ā to top it off ā will be new parents.
Those are big deals, but the little things have them elated. āTo know that this year, when we do Christmas cards, we can put our new last names on them ā it means a lot. Those are societal things that may not seem like a big deal, but for a gay couple to legally be able to marry and change our last names, this is huge,ā says Curtis.
Both work for the Capital Region Education Council (CREC) ā Luis as the Head Start family support manager and Curtis as the School Choice program manager. They met 13 years ago at a mutual friendās house.
They married Sept. 25 at their favorite happy place, Provincetown, Mass. In October, they completed an adoption approval process through the state Department of Children and Families. āThe ink is not even dry before you get a call, is what we are told,ā says Curtis.
So, this wonāt be their āusualā Christmas. āWeāll be buying gifts for a kid! Oh my gosh, weāll be buying gifts for a kid,ā Curtis gushed in September, before knowing who their child will be. āAnd weāll start to bring them into our traditions. But of course, depending on their age, weāll ask about their traditions and want to include those, too.ā
The coupleās traditions combine Luisā Puerto Rican and Curtisā southern ones. Food-wise, that means (for both Christmas and New Yearās Eve) coquito, a Puerto Rican coconut punch, and a sweet potato pie recipe from Curtisās late uncle.
The Three Kings and a Black Santa will be on the fireplace mantel, and a Black angel will sit atop a real tree, decorated āwith old-fashioned themed ornaments that include green and red plaid, and white lights.
They get together with both families, each eager to enjoy the otherās southern comfort foods and Puerto Rican specialties. COVID-19 will change that this year, but itās parenthood thatās most likely to enhance one tradition: āI have to watch āThe Christmas Storyā and āItās a Wonderful Lifeā every Christmas morning,ā says Curtis. āLuis is used to it. Heās like, āHere we go, letās cuddle.ā Then we go visit my parents. Then at night I watch them both again!ā
They do expect to be able to take their new child along to a Vermont cabin for New Yearās, however, to enjoy skiing and snow tubing.
Damien Drobinski and Geoff Johnson
Hamden
Family, lots of it ā thatās what the holidays are about to this couple. āNormally,ā as we say in pandemic times, they alternate hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas for their families, including Geoffās ex-wife and their grown children, and 11 grandchildren.
Geoff and Damien couldnāt legally marry when they first met but did at last in 2016. Geoffās divorce was so amicable that his ex-wife āeven helped us address the invites for our wedding,ā he says.
The couple has one Christmas tradition just for them, says Damien. āWe wake up and go out back and sit in the hot tub for a little bit. Sometimes we get a little winter snow flurry. We enjoy each otherās company for a little while, and then come in and exchange gifts before it gets crazy.ā
Damien starts cooking. āChristmas is ham. Obviously a ham, because itās Christmas!ā Geoffās job is setting the table and cleaning up.
āWhen I say we get together, I mean all of them ā 22 people. Thereās not one room big enough for all them. We have tables set up in three rooms,ā says Geoff. Before dinner, they exchange gifts and the grandkids open their stockings ā and only the grandkids, because āat one point there were 17 stockings by the fireplace. It got to be crazy,ā he says.
The grandchildren also all come over the first weekend in December to decorate the tree. Even the kids in California take part virtually.
āItās those special memories we get to make that we enjoy every year, and remember,ā says Damien. āOne of the younger grandkids ā heās an absolutely adorable, sweet little kid, got a toy microwave. He came up to me with those sweet chubby cheeks you want to pinch, and said, āDo you have any battowies foe my micwowave?āā
Thereās one, pipe-organ-sized, hole in Geoffās heart at Christmas. The New Haven church he attended for 54 years, and where they married (Church of the Redeemer) closed in 2018 and sold its pipe organ. āItās really left quite a void for me.ā
For a change, New Yearās Eve āis more a good time with friends,ā says Damien. āThereās a bunch of snacks, and champagne when the ball drops, then everyone goes home.ā
Geoff is a realtor and a retired IT professional. Damien is principal chemist for the state Department of Public Healthās Chemical Terrorism Lab.
Mark Slitt
Bloomfield
Mark calls himself āreligious to a point ā I donāt go to synagogue all the time. I donāt observe all the rituals. I try to be kosher-ish in my home; I donāt have any pork or shellfish. But I do believe in God and am spiritual.ā
Having grown up in West Hartford with partially observant parents, he says, āThere are many things I observe mainly because of tradition. But I do believe in the power of prayer, going to services on the High Holy Days, and respecting the importance of those days. To me, itās a time of spiritual cleansing, to reflect on how I have been as a person and how I may improve.Ā Itās important for anyone, even if you arenāt religious.ā
Markās family is ānot at all observantā now, he says, and he celebrates with friends, and attends services via Zoom at Congregation Beth Israel in West Hartford. āItās a blending of traditional and reform. Itās a comfortable place for people like me who grew up in a more traditional background,ā he says.
Itās also comfortable for him as a gay man, he says. He lived in Texas for many years, where he attended a primarily LGBT reform synagogue. āReform at the time was the most welcoming toward LGBT people.ā He has been active in every synagogue heās attended during his adult life (āIām older than I look!ā he says). A public relations professional for a large insurance company, he was president and board member of his Dallas synagogue for many years, and was its representative to the Jewish Community Relations Council. āI thought it was important we [LGBT Jews] had a voice, that we were represented to mainstream Jews. It was very important for us to be visible to the orthodox community.ā
Mark canāt choose a favorite holy day. āThey all for me have a special place in my life.ā For instance, āPassover is all about liberation, going from bondage to freedom, so it has a lot of meaning to LGBT Jews.ā And although Hanukkah isnāt āone of the biggies in religious importance, itās also about liberty and freedom,ā he says. āI love lighting the candles. Youāre bringing light at the darkest time of year.ā
Dr. AJ Eckert
Glastonbury
āMy family has always been my chosen family. My family of birth was never going to support or love me unconditionally,ā says AJ. āIāve also been in a perpetual state of singledom,ā they add. Good thing, then, for their best friend, Aurora LaRosa: āSheās the main reason I live in Connecticut again.ā
Also, good thing for brother Alex, who lives in Prague but visits regularly. āWeāve always had a shared bond,ā says AJ. Alex came out as trans several years ago, and AJ is a trans, non-binary person.
āFamily put a bad taste in my mouth about religion,ā says AJ. āAs a pagan, I do celebrate winter solstice, with little decorations like a wreath and a tree to get in the spirit of the season. But the only holiday I take seriously is Halloween.ā
Do they ever. āI start planning my costumes in July. Iāve already got a few decorations out on my front porch,ā they said in September. āI call the month of October āShocktoberā and try to watch a horror movie every day.ā
AJ is a doctor of osteopathic medicine and medical director of the Gender Affirming Program at Anchor Health Initiative. This will be the first time in 20 years they wonāt be traveling to a horror convention (theyāll attend, but online.)
AJ also celebrates Christmas with friend Aurora and her family. They combine traditions from AJās mother (a first-generation Czech immigrant), pagan-based Christian traditions like fortune-telling games, with traditions from Auroraās Costa Rican heritage.
A few years ago, AJ decided to go to Mexico by themselves for Christmas. āIt took years to figure this out. Spend time with who you want to and do what you want to do. That takes the pressure off the holidays. That was a great revelation,ā AJ says.
Rob Brandt and Jim Keating
Manchester and Somerville, MA
ClichĆ©d love at first sight became reality one day in the Crown & Anchorās swimming pool in Provincetown, Massachusetts. āI was having fun with friends,ā says Rob. āI was in the middle of a sentence, talking to someone I knew, and I saw Jim, and swam across the pool. I said, āHi, whatās your name?ā He said, āJim.ā I said, āIām Rob.ā And I gave him a hug.ā
Theyāve been together four years, living apart during weekdays due to their jobs (both are IT professionals). Because both their mothers live near Jim, Rob does most of the driving. With extended families living from Torrington to Cape Cod, one can guess what happens during the holidays.Ā āDrive, drive, drive. Thereās always been a ton of driving on our holidays,ā says Rob.
Food, family and music: thatās what the holidays mean to this couple. Theyāre steeling themselves for missing get-togethers this year, though, and say their mothersā health is their top priority. Usually, theyād be at Robās auntās Italian āextravaganzaā on the Cape. āItās all about the food!ā he says: fish stew on Christmas Eve and stuffed squid on Christmas Day.
The traveling and family meals may not happen, at least not to the normal extent, but guaranteed there will be music, even if itās just the two of them. āMusic is central to our lives,ā says Jim. Rob is co-founder of the Hartford Gay Menās Chorus, a trained singer, and a keyboard player. Jim was in the Boston Gay Menās Chorus for about 25 years and is president of the Boston Association of Cabaret Artists.
Theyāve spent each of their New Yearās Eves together at a little inn in Provincetown, watching fireworks and enjoying the lighting of the Lobster Pot Tree. They plan to go this year, too.
Brian Ballou and Kevin Cox
Middletown
āBoth of us are Christmas people,ā Brian says, and he and Kevin also hope to be husbands by the end of 2021. āCOVID has been messing with all of our planning.ā
Brian owns The Ballou Companies, an umbrella firm for Ballou College Planning & Insurance and an Abrakadoodle franchise in which Kevin is involved. Kevin is also an artist.
Both holidays and their everyday lives have evolved during their four years together, after some initial ripples following Brianās divorce. āSmooth is never what happens when youāre married to a woman for 17 years and you have to come out to your partner. It was messy, but it wasnāt ugly,ā he says. āBut we got to this point where weāre settled down.ā
One tradition Brian and his ex agreed on was the importance of spending Christmas Day together with their two teenage girls.
Christmas Day comes in two stages for Brian and Kevin. It begins with Brian spending the morning and Christmas lunch with his ex-wife and daughters, while Kevin ā not a morning person ā gladly sleeps in.
āItās an enjoyable day. The awkwardness is not there anymore,ā says Brian. They end their day at home, exchanging gifts, sometimes with friends.
Their preferred New Yearās Eve is quiet. āWeāve found out we like staying in even better. We have some people over, maybe play a game, hang out, and when itās midnight, give each other a kiss.ā
Lauren Tagliatela and Dr. Amanda Rostkowski
North Haven
Forget however this couple spent past holidays. Everything has changed, and not just because of Covid. Two factors now dictate how they celebrate, and their names are Silas and Oliver.
The 3-year-old twins may not influence how their mothers observe their religions (Tagliatela is Unitarian and Rostkowski is Jewish), but they have everything to say about holiday dƩcor and traditions in the house.
āWe havenāt had a Christmas tree for a few years. When theyāre four we might be able to do it. Right now, theyāre into destruction!ā says Lauren.
āWeāre going to try to light menorahs this year,ā says Tagliatela, emphasizing ātry.ā
Covid derailed what is their favorite holiday, when they invite 30 to 40 friends for āFriendsgiving.ā Says Rostkowski: āThere are so many kids running around and it feels so free.ā Tagliatela loves it because āwe have really close friends whoāve become our family.ā
Also not happening this year is their annual drop-in day of Christmas cookie baking.
Both are close to their families, and because Tagliatelaās is local, they spend (in normal years) Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with them.
Tagliatela is property manager for her familyās business, and Rostkowski is a gynecologist. Before meeting, both took similar paths: coming out to their parents as teens, both sets of parents slowly but eventually fully supporting them (both fathers walked them down the aisle at their wedding), and both converting from Catholicism to religions of their choosing.
āI sort of feel like Iām trans-religioned,ā says Rostkowski. āI felt Jewish my whole life.ā She went to Catholic schools all the way through college. āI went to synagogue my first time in high school and it felt right.ā In college, she discovered an LGBT-friendly synagogue. āI went and I was like, āThis is me.āā
At age 15, the night before her confirmation, Tagliatela cried and told her parents she couldnāt go through with it because she didnāt believe in it. āThe Catholic church was telling me homosexuals would go to hell. Thatās not a religion I want to be part of.ā When she discovered the Unitarian church, she felt at home. āBeing gay was not an issue. It was embraced.ā
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