The Commissary: Get Whey-sted

When it comes to diversity, fab food, and restaurants, Middletown has pretty much cornered the market.

In fact, if we’re being completely honest right now, it just might be the coolest city in all of Connecticut. No whining from other not-Middletown cities about it either. It’s not personal, so get over it. Okay, maybe a little personal, because after all, how many Connecticut cities actually qualify as ‘cool?’ Exactly.

Well, maybe New Haven. Whatever. Discuss amongst yourselves so we can get down to business.

With uber-intellectual Wesleyan University as a local anchor, there’s an undeniable groovy, underground, hipster vibe pulsing throughout Middletown, breeding restaurants to match, including Main Street’s Whey Station(ary).

A popular local food truck, the Whey Station recently expanded, opening a brick and mortar on Main Street. Thus making it stationary, in addition to being mobile. Get it? Do your best to keep up.

Anyway, inside Day-Of-The-Dead skulls and masks greet patrons at the door, along with a shirtless Bruce Lee (oh, behave, it’s just a cutout). He means business as he pulls apart a grilled cheese sandwich while sporting a sassy, come-hither expression suggesting that if you want it, you’re going to have to fight him for it.

Since the grilled cheese is what the Whey Station is known for, consider brushing up on your martial arts.

If you’re up to the task, you can even do the whole 360-slow-motion-Crouching-Dragon midair-turn, impressing everyone with your mad ninja skills.

It’s probably easier to just order off the menu, though, and there are a lot of choices.

None of them are on the Keto Diet, meaning the carbohydrate-terrified will simply have to dine elsewhere. At the Whey Station(ary), most everything is gooey, fattening, cheesy, and calorie-laden to the nth degree, giving your stretch jeans a serious workout.

The menu features a variety of grilled cheese sandwiches ranging from “Fun” to “Fancy, and you can order any of them with an accompanying bowl of Whey Station(ary)’s thick, tomato bisque.

Pinky-in-the-air folks can choose from ‘Fancy’ selections like the Cordon Blue, Croque Monsieur, and Truffle Shuffle.

‘Fun’ people (you know who you are) may want to opt for the Monger, the Whey Station’s signature five-cheese sandwich, or the Channing Tater.

While it doesn’t strip down and perform a sweaty grind all over you (disappointing), the Channing Tater is a Magic Mike blend of silly goodness including bacon, sour cream, scallions, and tater tots all crammed inside a cheesy sandwich.

Unless your physician is Dr. Pepper, no medical professional in their right mind would advise eating it.

Who cares?

Order it with a side of Lipitor and one of the Whey Station’s abundant draft beer selections. If you’re going down, it might as well be in a death spiral of cheese, beer, and tater tots.

If that’s not enough, there’s also homemade mac and cheese. Made with cavatappi pasta and house cheese sauce, it can be customized by adding any number of sinful additions including buffalo chicken and short ribs.

The pièce de résistance, however, is the version that includes Brussels sprouts, red peppers, and roasted garlic gloves. Bad news, your resulting breath will discourage any sort of bedroom action for at least a week.

The upside is that you’ll likely avoid being mauled by a roaming gang of blood-thirsty vampires. Then again, if Edward Cullen is a member (“I just wanna try one thing, be very still…don’t move”), you’re out of luck.

Beyond the food, the Whey Station is also just fun. Wednesday through Friday there’s a Happy Hour (3:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m.) with various grilled cheese sandwiches, mac and cheese dishes, and, of course, plenty-o-booze.

And every other Wednesday there’s a “Tap Takeover,” with various brew pubs making guest appearances.